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Muppets: Summer Glau & Chuck Norris as Grammar Nazis

Muppets!

Abstract

The Muppets Show hosts Summer Glau and Chuck Norris mashing up xkcd, Ozy and Millie’s Grammar Nazis, Chuck Norris Facts, Summer Glau Facts, etc.

The Muppets’ Show (The Next Incarnation) With Summer Glau and Chuck Norris

About this screenplay

[ The Muppets’ Show (The Next Incarnation) With Summer Glau and Chuck Norris

Note: This screenplay was written by Shlomi Fish, and is original artwork. ]

[ Abstract: Chuck Norris (ChuckN) and Summer Glau (SGlau) are the guests of the Muppets’ Show as two ruthless Grammar Nazis who aim to unite Grammar Europe under the reign of the Grammar Third Reich. Also crossover of xkcd: “Venting” and Chuck Norris Facts. ]

[ This text is Copyright by Shlomi Fish, 2014 and is made available under the Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-ShareAlike 4.0 Unported Licence (CC-by-nc-sa) (or at your option - any later version). ]

“Meet Chuck”

[ The Muppet Show Theatre backstage. Kermit and Fozzy are there.

ChuckN enters through the door. ]

Kermit: Oh hello, Mr. Norris. We’re so glad to have you here, and we would love to learn more about you.

ChuckN: Thank you, Kermit. You can learn more about me from my 500-page autobiography, which took me an hour to write, and from the comprehensive book of Factoids about me, of which I wrote every one.

Fozzy: Funny! Funny!

ChuckN: Indeed. Anyway, I invited a friend of mine, who is even crazier than I am, to join us.

Kermit: Really, who is this crazy guy?

ChuckN: Actually, it’s a crazy girl.

[ SGlau jumps from above the frame to the upper row and then down to where Kermit and Fozzy are standing. Applause. She is wearing a grey, military-style vest with a zipper at the front. ]

Kermit: Oh, nice to see you here, Ms. Glau.

SGlau: Shut up, Mr. Frog! I’m here on a mission from the Grammar God. Herr Norris and I are loyal servants of Grammar Nazism, which aims to unite Grammar Europe under the reign of the Third Grammar Reich.

ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

[ Miss Piggy is walking along the upper row with a fellow pig. ]

Miss Piggy: Well, I don’t think that Miss Mousy is prettier than me.

[ A shot sounds and Miss Piggy's hat is blown away. Cut to SGlau, who is holding a gun in her left hand. ]

SGlau: That was a warning shot, Fräulein Piggy. For your information, it should be “is prettier than I”.

ChuckN and SGlau: [in unison] Hail Grammar!

SGlau: Let’s go.

SGlau: By the way, herr Frog: it is not that hard to be green.

[ They go out of the frame. ]

Kermit: Meep. I have a bad feeling about all that.

Kicking ass Grammar Nazi Style

[ Congregation of evil muppets (including the Moopets, the Ugly Song muppets, and Vincent Price’s audience of monsters ) with Grammar Nazi uniforms. SGlau and ChuckN are on the stage.

SGlau fires a gun in the air. The room falls silent. ]

SGlau: Hail Grammar!

[ The Grammar Nazi muppets respond. ]

SGlau: Grammar Europe is quickly being conquered by the forces of the noble Grammar Nazism.

SGlau: Together we have punished all the miserable souls who have used the despicable neologism “a software” instead of “a program” or “a software application”.

[ "Hail Grammar" from the audience. ]

SGlau: Now, Herr Norris and I shall demonstrate how to further kick ass Grammar Nazi-style.

[ SGlau pulls two guns and ChuckN holds two micro-Uzis. ]

SGlau: Observe.

[ Sudden quick shots as someone shoots all the guns out of SGlau and ChuckN's hands and those of the rest of the Grammar Nazi muppets. ]

SGlau: What the hell?

[ Shows Lucky Luke from his back. ]

Lucky Luke: Change of plans, Ms. Glau [chews some gum.].

SGlau: And who might you be, Herr…

Lucky Luke: Luke, Ma'am! Lucky Luke. I'm the Grammar Reichsfuhrer’s personal henchman.

SGlau: [startled] Hail Grammar!

[ Everyone joins. ]

Lucky Luke: Indeed. There has been a change of plans, so they sent me here.

Lucky Luke: Miss Glau, Mr. Norris and you must travel undercover to the evil State of California, where you will start the startup “Venting is us.” to battle the growing infestation of bad grammar on social Internet media. You will receive funding from the Grammar Nazi Gestapo.

Lucky Luke: Is that clear?

SGlau: Of course! We’ll do everything for the noble Grammar Reich!

SGlau: Hail Grammar!

[ Applause. Cut. ]

“Can’t touch her [Stop! Summer Time]”

[ TODO: Add:

1. "You can't touch her"/"Stop! Summer time!" by M.C. Summer (M.C. Hammer’s “You can't touch this (Stop! Hammer Time!)” parody). ]

“Venting Is Us.”

[ A modern tech office whose door says: “Venting is Us.” with a large version of xkcd: “Venting”. ChuckN and SGlau are sitting inside. ]

ChuckN: OK, Summer, I finished writing another rebuttal, as whom should I sign it?

SGlau: How about as Rory Gilmore?

ChuckN: Sounds good. You can sign yours as Jennifer Love Hewitt.

SGlau: Cool.

[ A few muppets who look like Mafios with a human leader storm in. ]

Head Mafio: Are you Summer Glau and Chuck Norris?

SGlau and ChuckN: [Startled] Yes, we are.

Head Mafio: Well, we are seeking vengeance on a blog comment the two of you wrote and signed as Tiffany Alvord, so we are going to wack up this office.

SGlau: Using Electro-Magnetic Pulse (EMP) Cannons?

Head Mafio: No, using these machine guns! [Mafio muppets showing their machine guns.]

[ ChuckN and SGlau quickly raise their hands. ]

SGlau: Ahem... may I consult with Chuck for a moment or two?

Head Mafio: Yes, I suppose.

SGlau: [Whispering to Chuck] What do we do now?

ChuckN: I don’t know! I don’t have a gun here.

SGlau: Well, it’s not exactly Texas.

ChuckN: Maybe we should surrender?

SGlau: We can apologise… [thinking] wait!

SGlau: [To the Mafios] Listen, we apologise for attributing all these rebuttals to all these good people. Anyway, what do you say of us becoming “Don’t be venting - be perfecting” and help people to write essays and articles in proper and correct English?

Head Mafio: [ He has tears in his eyes. ] Sounds very honourable, Ms. Glau. Alright! We’ll give you two another chance.

ChuckN: Yay!

[ Cut to the new office with a new sign of “Don’t be venting - be perfecting.” ]

ChuckN: Finally, note that I find that the Saxon Genitive will be preferable there.

Mikhael: [ Russian-sounding Voice from the Internet ] Thank you Mr. Norris. I’ll be forever grateful to you two.

SGlau: You’re welcome, Mikhael. We will appreciate some publicity in social media outlets, and a monetary payment, but we really love helping people like you.

Mikhael: Sure, I’ll do all that.

SGlau and ChuckN: Bye! See you!

Mikhael: Good bye.

SGlau: Hmmm… I think we are actually making a profit from all that.

Head Mafio: OK, it seems you two have become benevolent pillars of society, so not only will we let you go, but we will offer you protection.

SGlau: Really? For how much?

Head Mafio: At half-the-price today: 5,000 virtual love points.

SGlau: Tell you what? We can give you a million real love points. [She does a heart with her hands.]

Head Mafio: Offer accepted. Now I need to prepare for my niece’s birthday party - she is going to be 10 years old. You two are also invited.

ChuckN: Why, thank you!

SGlau: Yes, we may actually drop by.

Having some fun with company.

[ Kermit, ChuckN and SGlau are sitting together. ]

Kermit: So, Mr. Norris, Ms. Glau, I admit things turned out better than expected, eventually.

ChuckN: Yes, Kermit, they did. The Grammar Nazis are now the good guys.

Kermit: Yes, I can see that. So what are you planning to do next?

SGlau: Well, Chuck and I think of having some good, clean, fun with the company of our friends. Wanna join us, Kermit?

Kermit: Sure, the muppets and I would love to.

SGlau: Excellent. Hit it, Animal!

[ Animal starts playing the drums and shouts “Carpe Diem! Hah hah hah”. SGlau opens her jacket’s zipper to reveal a T-shirt with the “Useless” xkcd comic and they all start singing “7 Minutes” by Caitlin Hart, along with Hart, the Mafios, Lucky Luke, the Grammar Nazis, the Head Mafio’s niece and her friends. ]

Sources of Inspiration

Summer Glau/xkcd Fanfiction Link
#SummerNSA
Summerschool at the NSA
The “#SummerNSA” Effort
Other Screenplays
Muppets Fanfiction
Factoids
“Facts”